I went to a very interesting conference on Monday and wanted to share some of the things I learned there. Several different groups of lawyers organize a training in domestic violence law every year at Fordham Law. Here are a few myths about domestic violence we discussed.
If a man is violent, a woman will be able to get help.
Sadly, this is untrue. You can hit a person without leaving marks. You can break ribs or make someone deaf without any physical signs of violence. Also, there are many ways to hurt someone without using violence. Think of the torture of being screamed at, being threatened with weapons, or being watched or listened to at all times. None of these leave physical evidence.
If a man threatens or hurts his children, the mother will definitely be able to get full custody.
Sadly, the opposite is true. Since the 80s, there has been a movement for "father's rights". This is a friendly misnomer that really means "maintaining the superiority of abusers in a family after a divorce". (This is a quote from a fantastic advocate who made the comparison of calling the KKK "an equal rights for white men" club.) They have coined the term "parental alienation" and have made judges paranoid about excluding any fathers from their children's lives. When wives make accusations of abuse (many of which, as mentioned before, cannot be proven) they are often accused of alienating the father and the father is given even more control over his children.
If a woman leave her abuser, she can start a new life.
If this were true I would be out of a job. Not only are women paid less than men in general, they are also often the parents who leaves work to stay home and take care of young children. They loose out on years in the work force, making them less employable and less able to financially support themselves and their children. Also, victims who are immigrants may or may not have legal status. Without this, they cannot work and definitely cannot support their children.
If a woman is a good mother, she will take her kids and leave.
This is one of the biggest myths. As explained briefly above, financial stability is very elusive to women who have been kept in controlling and abusive situations. If they can't feed their children, they might stay with an abuser to prevent this from happening. Many abusers hurt their intimate partners but not their own children. (This should NOT undermine the psychological effects witnessing abuse has on a child.) A woman in a desperate situation may choose physical safety and food as the best option for her children.
Also, statistics say that women who separate from their abusers and take their children are more prone to be victims of stalking, harassment, and murder. You can take care of your kids with a black eye or a broken leg. You cannot protect them if your abuser kills you.
I just wanted to share these thoughts on this blog. I like that we can discuss complex problems here without necessarily trying to find a solution.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Domestic Violence Myths
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Thats really interesting, Col.
I often get annoyed at the proposition that women who stay with abusive men "look for it." Some people hold the idea that if someone really wants to leave, they will find a way--another example of blaming the victim. I like that the conference you attended highlights the complexities of getting out of an abusive relationship...its something I wish more people understood...it might even help raise awareness as to the need for domestic violence services for survivors...the more help they can get, the better.
It is so important to realize how hard it is to get out of an abusive relationship. Instead of wasting time and resources blaming the victim, we should be concentrating all our efforts on resources to help them escape, thus ending the cycle of violence.
I was wondering if someone might be able to clarify something for me. I don't think I understand how these are myths...
For instance, "if a man is violent, a woman will be able to get help." Are we saying that if a man is violent that a woman will NOT be able to get help? What about all of the fantastic work that women are doing all over the country in women and family shelters? I'm not sure I understand how this is a myth. There is help for women who are being abused.
"If a woman leave her abuser, she can start a new life." Again, are we saying that a woman cannot? Sure she can. But it takes support, of family, friends and community. And it is not easy.
Is that the point of these myths - that they are not as EASY to accomplish as some might think? I'm not sure I know many people who think that leaving a violent relationship is easy. I mean, leaving a relationship is NEVER easy, let along a violent one. So maybe we should instead of thinking about these as myths (which I think cheapens the wonderful work of women around this issue) we should rather look at them as ideals to work towards.
Post a Comment